Top 10 Ways to Know You’ll Be Kicked Out of a Mall

“5 for 7” aint bad. It’s 71.4 percent to be exact. If Butler would’ve shot that well last night in the NCAA championship, they would’ve driven the UConn Huskies off the court like a dog sled master yelling, “Mush, Mush!” But I’m not writing this to discuss my basketball blues. Instead, I wanna blog a brief news flash about my mall tour.

“5” represents the number of malls that I have not been kicked out of. “7” represents the number of malls in which I’ve played my guitar, sang sweet serenades, and sold cd’s to t-shirt folding and diamond selling workers. Since my “not getting kicked out of the mall” rate stands at a solid 71.4 percentage points, you’d think I’d share tons of exclamation-laden success stories like a muscular motivational speaker in a high school gymn. Not so!

If, by chance, you are an aspiring singer/songwriter ready to go on a mall tour of your own, I want you to learn from my failures by reading the “Top 10 Ways to Know You’ll be Kicked out of a Mall.” Drumroll please!

10. The security guards in the mall outnumber the shoppers.

9. You hear the buzz of surveillance cameras moving… whenever you move.

8. A jewelry store worker asks if you have a rifle in your guitar case.

7. The female security guards seem to be checking you out, while talking softly on their walkie talkies. (Don’t be flattered. They are not telling the other security guards how good you look.)

6. A store manager yells at you, then asks, “Have you been authorized by the mall office?” (Say goodnight.)

5. No solicitation signs posted in front of every store.

4. You hear a deep voice behind you saying, “Sir, I’m gonna need you to put away that guitar.”

3. One worker welcomes you cordially, while the other gets on the phone to call “a friend” and speaks in coded language.

2. You introduce yourself in the mall office by saying, “Hi, I’m Rob, and I’m here to serenade you lovely ladies!” And they answer with, “No you’re not.”

1. You’re in the Lansing Mall.

I suspect you had one question lingering in the dark corners of your mind as you read this list, and the answer is “Yes, these things have actually happened to me.” Like I said, five of the malls were awesome, but in two of them I experienced my top ten list firsthand. On a positive note, I’ll end with my list of Top 5 Malls.

1. Meridian Mall (Sold 60 cd’s and made tons of friends)

2. Westwood Mall (About 80 cd’s)

3. Jackson Crossing (About 70 cd’s)

4. Briarwood Mall (About 50 cd’s)

5. Lakeview Square Mall (About 50 cd’s)

(I sold about 20 cd’s at the Lansing Mall and 30 at the mall in Portage, but you can’t be on the top 5 list if you kick me out.)

71.4 percent aint too shabby, especially if you’re making a living doin’ what you love! After all, I heard someone once say, “Do not despise the day of mall beginnings.”


6 thoughts on “Top 10 Ways to Know You’ll Be Kicked Out of a Mall

  1. Have you ever thought of like, i don’t know, playing at actual music venues and putting all this effort into having a real tour where you’ll actually perform for people that want to hear live music instead of people that are shopping?

  2. That is funny Rob. Just wait a couple of months and then go back to the malls where they kicked you out. They can only ask you to leave again. What are they going to do? Give you a year of jail time?

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